What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 10:55
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do men suck dick? Me, I can't get enough
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
How can I control my daily masturbating habit?
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My life is so biszare .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do women like men who have slept with many women?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I said to her
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I could never make a relationship work though!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was 9 years of age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..